Ever lost a loved one?

Okay.. so as the conditioner is soaking in my hair, I thought I’d do some quick editing. (Still multi tasking right?) So this is going to be an emotional one. Something I never really open up about, something I’ve never really had the time to deeply think about without having to put a brave face on.

I lost my best friend back in December 2015. I spent my life growing up and worshipping the ground he walked on. I can’t say I’ve ever had a closer bond with anybody but him. (but now Archie has filled the empty gap) My grandad was a huge part of my life from first-born (once I didn’t have a floppy head though, that freaked him out). From taking his tea, toast and tablets up at 10am, to-day trips and spending all afternoon in his shed building something – I loved every moment I spent with him.

Finding out he can an incurable illness filled me with so much anger purely as I was so upset. (But you’re probably thinking cancer right?) No he got the all clear from that! It was dementia. An illness I’d never heard of but I’d honestly never wish on anyone, one I hope they find a cure for one day. I even raised money by walking a few miles (I never walk as it’s easier to drive and I’m lazy) whilst heavily pregnant may I add. (Exhausting right?)

Watching him deteriorate over the years broke me in two. It didn’t feel like my grandad, but I knew behind it all it was still him. We continued to have a super close bond regardless and still had food fights in his final years. I never seen him carry any frustration until he got dementia, but I knew it wasn’t normal frustration… I knew it was because he could tell his body was being taken over and it was a battle he couldn’t win.

The looks people would give because he was wheelchair bound. He used to be fit and well just like you and I. Being told he will be okay, he will get better. No, no he won’t – no-one understood. The non-supportive comments would always come from people who have never lost anyone close to them, the ones who kind of live in a fantasy world I guess?

Hearing the most heartbreaking news knowing there’s a time limit on his life was utterly devastating. I didn’t want to believe it but the doctors were right. (For once) From getting up at the crack of dawn to dart up to my Nan and grandads to then work until 10pm (yes, I was beyond tired but I knew I had to for him – nobody else). I actually left his side and went downstairs to hear my name being shouted, I’ve never ran up the stairs so fast without falling (I’ve got to be the world’s clumsiest person going). Jumping on the bed next to my Nan and holding her hand whilst stroking my grandads hair, he took his final breath. He looked so peaceful and pain-free.

The most upsetting thing is Archie never got to meet him. I’m always telling him stories daily and he even plays with the bear made out of my grandads pyjamas. Archie holds so many traits of my grandad within him (which I cant help but laugh at, closing his eyes and ignoring people when they’re talking to him is one).

Miracles do happen, I fell pregnant (unplanned) in my grandads birth month – March and gave birth the following December, days before it was the 1 year anniversary of my grandad.

He will always be a huge inspiration with the fight he had within him and I’ll always make sure Archie knows what a man his great grandad was. I know I’m doing my grandad proud (mainly because I always did, I guess I was the little blue eye).

Always tell those you love, you do because you’ll never know when you won’t be given the opportunity again.

I’ve never said goodbye purely as it’s until we meet again grandad. I can’t thank you enough for making it snow on Archies 1st birthday. His first ever sighting of snow. You’ll always be in our hearts Grandad x

2 thoughts on “Ever lost a loved one?

  1. Truly lovely words jess..I hope your life becomes easier chick..I know have anxiety & depression effects! Your Grandad was a truly lovely man..as you were blessed to have him..he was also blessed to have you. I believe there is a life after death..( well if that’s what to call it?!) I believe your grandad is with you and in Archie ..you have always been a wonderful young girl in my eyes , who has struggled with the demons of this awful disabling Condition. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you and I’m sure you will reach it sooner than later…I’m sending you all of my love and support xxxxxxx

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